We have had a couple of days to think about this post. It doesn’t really make it any easier now that I’m typing. On Oct. 9th we went for our ultrasound. We were excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. In true Stiff fashion, we weren’t without drama. Hanan was sick. We thought she was over it but she managed to get sick on the way into the hospital. Someone’s poor jeep will never be the same. So…we weren’t in a great mindset already. Unfortunately, it took about 15 minutes to understand that things were very wrong. No one could find a heartbeat.

I won’t bore you with the details. We checked and rechecked. I asked for second opinions and asked as many questions as I could. I prayed and tried to will a little thump on that screen. Unfortunately, she was gone. That evening I was admitted to the hospital to a back room were I was poked and prodded to make sure we could try and find some answers. Then they induced me.

I’m so thankful that my Mom caught a direct flight out of Nashville. She stayed with the girls. Ray stayed with me. I delivered a little girl at about 3 a.m. on Oct. 10th. She weighed 7 ounces and was almost 10 inches long. We got to see her and hold her in a little basket. They put little lace clothes on her before they brought her to us. She looked like every other Stiff baby. In fact you could almost tell that she would look like Hanan. We decided to name her the one name that kept coming up over the 18 weeks, Jessa Joy.

I struggled with Joy for a little while. Ray seems to have a better handle on the big picture than I do. Of course we have 1,001 questions. So do Arleigh and Hanan. Our hearts are broken. I was thinking last night that with each child I give them a little piece of my heart. Right now I feel like I’ve sent out four plugs and somehow my heart will never be full again. I’m hoping that with each baby girl, I actually sliced a piece off the top so that my heart can fill up faster.

I wanted to make sure that I posted this today as much as it hurts. Tomorrow is Bria’s birthday. For her, I want things to be normal even if they never seem normal to me again. Soon you’ll have a happy birthday post. I’m determined to find the happy again.