It’s my blog and I can whine if I want to. That’s my disclaimer. I am much better, it seems, at putting everything down here and then I can get over it. The last few days, I haven’t been able to get over it… The funk. I’ve been in a rotten mood. It’s making me a horrible wife and mother. So I’ve decided to get it off my chest.
I’m tired… I’m tired of not being able to sleep at night because I’m thinking about all the things that still need to happen to get us home from China. I’m tired of not being able to sleep because every time Bria wakes up in the night and calls for me, I think about all the children without parents. How many of them have someone who will pull their blanket up and rub their back if they have “movies in their bed?” As we work our way every so slowly to this child that God has waiting for us, I wonder where he is. I wonder if he’s cold. I wonder if his nose is stopped up like Hanan’s and he’s having a hard time sleeping. I wonder why it’s taking so long to get this done. Every time Arleigh gets worried or upset, I wonder if he’s worried about something and if there is someone there to comfort him. I don’t sleep. I’m tired.
I’m tired of always questioning if I’ve done the right thing. Is everything on that piece of paper okay? Will it have to be redone? Did I get it right? More than once, I’ve gotten an email… this is wrong. It would be great if we could have this… You didn’t do this… Just as I think that I’m finished, it comes back to do it again. So far, the only thing that isn’t back in my lap is our medical form. That’s because it took me more than 4 months to get our labs right, I had blood drawn on 3 different occasions. I saw a nurse once and a doctor twice. It’s gone, but if I don’t hurry up and redo everything else that will expire too.
I’m tired of going out of my way to get things notarized and then realizing that isn’t enough. Two more places have to verify that the person that notarized it was allowed to notarize it. I’m tired of not knowing where to send it.
I’m tired of phone calls not being returned. I tired of begging people to help me. If I didn’t have any pride before, I sure don’t have it now. I’m tired of looking for phone numbers. Showing up and still after talking to three different people not having the right thing. Someone just told me the immigration office here in Memphis may have moved. They’ve heard of people sending things in and it never makes it. So now, I worry about that too. There is no phone number to be found for immigration in Memphis. You have to have an appointment to be there though. You can send an email and pray. That’s about it.
I’m tired of wondering what I’ve done to deserve this type of punishment. I’m tired of dragging up the many many sins of my pasts and wondering if that’s the one that did it. Is that the one that it causing this to be so hard? Why I’m aware that it isn’t logical, I still do it.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m being knocked down repeatedly. I’m tired of getting back up with the expectation of being knocked down again. If I’ve been knocked down here 1000 times, what’s it going to be like to feel that way in another country?
Most of all I’m tired of being selfish and petty. I remember before we went to Iceland feeling like everyone in the world was pregnant but me. We weren’t even really trying that hard to get pregnant. Ray was deployed on a ship for heaven’s sake. Now, I’m tired of seeing people start the process a few months after us, and now they are at least 4 months ahead of us. I laid out a time line with my social worker. Worst case scenario when we started was travel in April 2011. April 2011 is slipping through my fingers. I’m tired of wondering why it’s so easy for them to get this done and so excrutiating for me.
I am tired of Oct. It’s not a good month for me. It reminds me of everything I don’t have. In October, I tend to think more about who isn’t here than who is. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of making my family miserable because everything is a reminder. Most of all, I’m sorry and tired that I set myself up, every Oct. to be miserable. Way back in March which is another bad month for me, I thought it will be okay this year. We’ll have great news in Oct. Our lives are moving forward. I am tired of setting myself up for disappointment.
Because I’ve set myself up for disappointment, I’m tired of knowing my motives will be questioned. I’m tired of being asked if I’m trying to replace something that absolutely will never be able to be replaced. I’m tired of realizing over and over that there will forever be a giant hole that can’t be filled. I’m tired of the anger and disappointment left by the hole.
As I write this, I realize that there are tons of things that I am tired of. I’m tired of people who would rather question every move we make than say something supportive. I’m tired of questions that revolve around what I’m doing to the children I have, are you being a good steward of your finances, why… If you were in another country sleeping on a mat with no parents would you ask why? I’m tired of reading threads and hearing people ask without leaving their name yes, but think of all the children you could save with the money you are spending. I think that sometimes, it takes more than money to save someone. This is bigger than throwing money at the problem. There are times when orphan care means food, education and love from the other side of the world. There are times when it means a physical touch and a change of environment. This is one of those times.
You should know I already feel better… and worse. My friend waited four years for her daughter. If she read this knowing we’ve only be at this for 6 months she would probably roll her eyes and chuckle. I know I’m angry because my time line isn’t happening. I know the problem is my time line.
The frustration comes when I’ve been saying for the last four months, I just want the paperwork in and I want it to be out of my hands. It seems no matter what I do, the paperwork comes back to bite me. It isn’t going to be out of my hands, ever. Now, I have give the sinful worry and the frustrations over to God. I can’t hold onto it anymore. It’s making my crazy. A month ago, I just wanted to get logged in. Then I saw that face that I mentioned. I’ve read the story of how his family found him. They are his family, the best family for him. For a little while, I had a face to think about when I went to bed. I had something to push for. That’s gone. I know it will be back. Until then…I’m giving to God and hoping that I can change my attitude and my heart and be better for all the people who have to put up with me.