Guess What! I just took a pregnancy test. I am happy to report… I am NOT pregnant! Did you hear the collective sigh of relief from many of my family members? I will admit that in the last week or so I have suffered from a bit of baby fever when I see my neighbor, Susan toting around a days old foster baby. Then I remember how much I love sleep. And my children remind me that I’m getting really, really old…and possibly crotchety. So anyway…why the pregnancy test?

Well… last week I was fairly certain I had all the major symptoms of a UTI. The nurse at the clinic agreed with me. She prescribed an antibiotic and set a follow up appointment. Since Thursday my symptoms haven’t really diminished. When I went to a follow up, the lab report was less than conclusive. There is probably no infection, but alot of blood, but the kidney function had been tested recently and it was good… and well. Frankly, they don’t know what in the world is wrong with me but something is wrong. Currently the best guess is kidney stones. I don’t believe it because I’m not in that much pain. With two of my four pregnancies I had kidney stones. I know far too well what a kidney stone feels like. I also know that every time I’ve had one I’ve been preggo.

Cue the PA… she referred me for a cat scan. I wasn’t sure anyone ever did a pregnancy test. While I realize it is highly unlikely that I’ve pregnant…you know with a certain four year old sleeping between me and Ray and the chaos we’ve been living in since the move. However, the radiology corpsman that called scared the pants off me. So off to Target I went. Did you know there is a Target 2.5 miles from my house? Ray isn’t in love with it’s proximity. Anyway, I get to Target with Jack and sent the following text to my friend…

“I know you need a laugh. I’m a mortified 39 year old about to purchase a pregnancy test!”

Seriously, I felt like an idiot. Then my new friend, Sapphire checked me out. Yep… Sapphire and Brandi, two peas in a pod. Our names had us fitting right in at the strip club pharmacy. (My apologies if your name is Sapphire. My name is Brandi Stiff. You have nothing on me.) So I scored my goods and headed home.

Did I mention that I have to filter my urine in case I pass a stone? No. Yep. In a cup the size of a dixie cup. Clearly the person who made this device had no idea how much water I drink. So I came home and tried to figure out how to filter and simultaneously pee on a stick. Did I mention my age? Did I mention back pain is one of my symptoms? Yep. Good times.

Anyway, the deed is done. I admit I did feel a slight twang of disappointment when only one line appeared. Then I remembered. Sleep, precious sleep.