I am about crush any delusions you may have had about my pristine life here in paradise. Like, monster truck at the demolition derby crush. Seriously. While you people on the mainland are getting ready for bed… I’m sitting at the computer. All four children are sitting beside me eating pizza and watching My Babysitter’s A Vampire. I can’t believe they are watching it. Apparently I’ve been so busy trying to get things settled around the house I hadn’t noticed that Arleigh is now recording it. Worse. I just heard Jack sing the theme song. We went from no cable to this…

I started my morning dropping the girls off… getting irritated again that we can’t seem to get anything accomplished on time. Bria picks out 478 outfits and not one ever matches. Jack almost always gets his shoes on the right feet. Bria almost always does not. You have a 50/50 shot right? I bought myself a juicer to help irrigate my kidneys. It might help if I stopped doing things like serving pizza for supper when Ray is away. We actually like the juicer. I’m seeing dollar signs as all the fresh produce is going to likely shoot my already high grocery bill even higher. Arleigh has already decided how much better fresh juice tastes. It also is a bit bear to clean. You have to take the entire thing apart after every session. Then it has to dry. So, I was cleaning it up along with all of the other breakfast dishes when the doorbell rings.

The PTA president was just dropping by… Jack was still in Pajamas. At least the house smelled clean since I had luckily wiped out the downstairs bathroom. The kitchen did not look clean nor did I. Last week I agreed to do the PTA newsletter. I asked if she wanted to let me know a day to stop by and tell me what she needed. I never heard from her until I answered my door in old cropped sweat pants, a Show Hope shirt and wait for it…. no bra. Yep, I let her right on in. Can I use calcium deposits as an excuse? She came in, sat down and proceeded to tell me what she needed….TODAY. I think it was pretty clear how far behind I was. In her defense, she offered to just write a couple of paragraphs but I truly take on being a martyr. So I made a one page newsletter.

Then I got a phone call… the school nurse. Bria was hit in the head or maybe bumped or well she didn’t know and there was a significant mark on her forehead. What does that mean? Well, the school is just too small for all the running. Okay but is there a knot? I think she’s fine. Um. All right. She’s in the nurses office. Okay. I couldn’t really tell where the conversation was going or if there was blood. It’s early release day anyway and oh look my watch isn’t working. I was late. No parking. Crap. (I promise any day now I will cuss out loud like a sailor.) Go to the nurses office. I sent her back to class. Okay good.

Bria came out. She said she didn’t even cry. Her buddy Jayden just bumped into her. Then to wait for the bigs. I was a nervous wreck because of where the car was. Then Home Depot for more paint. Cause the house isn’t clean so it’s a good time to paint right?

The PTA president is back at my door. Jack pulls the screen out. Go team. The dishwasher isn’t working because of Hanan acting like her mother and if it doesn’t fit, well let’s just shove it harder. Luckily I fixed that too but I’m pretty sure it won’t stay fixed for long. Oh yeah, the PTA president… I sent the newsletter in a pdf she needs it in word. Umm. I used Pages. Ray is on the east coast. That’s not happening. Just two changes? Okay done and sent and whew! Crisis averted!

Crisis averted just in time for the next one. Arleigh says we don’t trust her because we won’t let her post pictures where you can see her face on Instagram. Yeah. I know. I post photos of the kids. Now I’m struggling with whether I should do that. No. I’m worried about some 40 year old saying he’s 12 and taking advantage of you. It’s not you I don’t trust. Sometimes it’s hard to be the bad guy trying to keep you safe. I text Ray. He says virtually the same thing. Cue the violins and all things tween angst. Go team! Not even my profile picture? No friend. Not even your profile picture. I just spent three hours trying to hide crap on Facebook and I still don’t think I hid it all and you want me to create more of that? Cue storming off to the tween cave.

Then there’s Hanan… caught between girl and teen. Jack messed up the toys she left out in her room and well, there’s no wrath like a Hanan who’s soap opera doll house has been messed up by baby brother.

Bria’s math homework should be labeled Get Off Your Butt and Be a Better Mother homework. Why aren’t you teaching your child? Nothing like a little self reflection on a Wednesday night. Tonight’s homework, a month long lesson in measurement. I think I’ll just hand her one of Ray’s measuring tapes and call it a day.

It’s taking me an hour to write this because Jack just peed his pants. Great. It’s random. I know other kids go through it. It’s so frustrating. On top of it, two days ago he did something to his toenail. It’s coming off. After he got ceremoniously dunked into the shower I started to bandage his toe. It’s obviously tender. He obviously thought it was extra punishment. I am now feeling like the wicked witch of the west.

The big girls are at the park. Jack is restricted to the house in his pajamas because his shower has already happened. You can now imagine me like Scarlett standing with her dang potatoes. Tomorrow is another day! Thank heavens I get a do over!