This morning I went for my annual sanding pedicure. Seriously people I’m pretty sure a belt sander couldn’t make my giant hobbit feet look better. As I sat with the a sweet little lady rubbing and pushing and pulling and let’s just say it, digging at my feet, I thought of all the reasons I hate pedicures.

  1. I do not like to be touched. Let’s face it, if someone is going to take a razor to your feet at some point you’ll be touched.
  2. I especially hate to be touched by strangers. These strangers also speak English as their second language which also convinces me that they are not talking about the latest episode of America’s Got Talent (which happened to be playing behind my head), they are discussing the sorry state of my heels and what they find under my nails and laughing hysterically. 
  3. Massage IS NOT MY THING. While my lumpy legs may resemble a big blob of dough, I’m not dough and I honest to goodness don’t need a good kneading. 
  4. I don’t like feet. I don’t like your feet. I don’t like my feet. I don’t want to be touched by feet much less have my eyes forced to stare at the train wreck next to me. (Some dude who either wears slippers every day or has holes in the ends of his shoes. Seriously, if I was judging his age my only his feet I would have said 146. Ewww.) 
  5. I don’t like being forced into an immediate decision. “Pick your color!” sends me into a tailspin. “You want design?” forces me over the edge! 
  6. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing at any given moment. This foot in? This foot out? Wait in? Just let me do the hokey pokey and we’ll call it a day…

Let me reiterate… I DO NOT LIKE pedicures. However, I do love the way my toes look when they’re done. Hopefully you’ll be looking at me toes instead of my cracked heels.