This time last year I was trying to fill up the last parts of Mom’s visit. At the same time I was absolutely furious with my brother for not returning phone calls. Because of the time difference those last hours of his life are a blur for me. One minute I was getting absolutely ridiculous phone calls and texts and then there was total silence. I should have realized something was wrong. It seems like yesterday and a lifetime all in one big ball. I’m still left with the feeling that if I could punch him in the gut one good time it would at least make me feel better. I’m certain he loves that he left me feeling that way. 

I am acutely aware that by grieving standards my mother isn’t the heavy weight champion and yet here we are. One year later (short one day) and she is sitting in a hospital with her husband. I still want to punch something for her too if you are wondering. 

Ned doesn’t like it if I mention him on the blog or Facebook. I’m happy to report that as of my last phone call he is looking better. I’m still waiting for the next update. I’m mentioning him because it’s my blog and I can cry if I want to. It is absolutely one of the worst feelings ever to be on an island and hear someone on the other end of the phone in pain and you can’t immediately get there. My frustration and possibly my blood pressure are THROUGH THE ROOF. In spite of being told Ned has 1000 people around him taking care of him, I want to be there for him but I really want to be there for Mom. See Ned, it’s not really about you. It’s always about me…

I know this week is going to suck the life right out of my mother. Anniversaries of the deaths of those we love are awful. It is like the wound is ripped right back open. The ache intensifies. I knew it wouldn’t be fun. And now, she also faces the realities of dealing with cancer. She hasn’t really had time to mourn. She has just thrown herself right into caring for everyone else, including me.

This morning as I was fretting over what if this and why can’t we that I noticed a friend’s status on Facebook. (Thanks Kelly!)

“… The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, and nobler men and women, or they are making us more critical and fault finding and more insistent on our own way. The things that happen either make us evil, or they make us more saintly, depending entirely on our relationship with God…” Oswald Chambers

My mother has earned some angel wings this year. She is the best example I could ever hope for and the absolute strongest person I know. I also knows what it feels like to be in a giant hole and just know people are praying for you. Please pray for my Mom and for Ned’s healing. Pray for the whole family to have strength while we work with the doctors to get him healthy again. 

Mahalo