Grief is hard. It never really goes away. Sometimes you can push it way down or lock it in a closet but it always breaks loose. It pushes and claws it’s way into the front of your conscience and sometimes it feels like too much work to shove it down again. If you aren’t careful, it can envelop you. It is suffocating. It takes over your waking moments and your even your sleep. No matter how tirelessly you fight, it’s always there waiting.
Grief reared it’s ugly head for me today in an unexpected moment. Isn’t that always the way? It wasn’t grief for any one person, but for a multitude of people I’ve lost. It’s hard to see eternity when you’re grieving. It’s hard to see much of anything at all.
Yesterday, I sent a friend a note on Facebook. It said, “I don’t miss tornados. Stay safe.” That was it. There was no, I’ll be praying for you. There was some concern. I think when you live hearing those sirens, you start to go through the motions and never think it’s you. That’s when I started reading someone else’s blog post today, I thought it could’ve been written by me. It’s called, “The Cheerleader.”
Take a second and click the link. I can wait.
I chatted with Mom about it. I thought about my dad. I thought about how much I wish he was here for his grandkids and how much joy he would get playing with them, no doubt trying to keep up with a soccer ball. It helps to remember that he will have an eternity with them one day but now, it hurts. I still feel my grandfather’s hand on my left shoulder like the funeral was minutes ago instead of years. It hurts the same. I think about all the feelings that The Hodgepodge Darling mentions. That made me think about Jessa. I was so angry for so long at everyone and everything especially God. Not exactly faith in action here. I think about everything my I am going through after the loss of a sibling, or worse everything my mother goes through, losing a son and nursing a husband through a cancer fight. I just can’t… My grandparents, my dad, my brother, a longed for child, it lays in front of me in piles and I know my piles don’t compare to other people’s. They are tiny little blips in comparison. If my grief hurts, how much more is theirs? My heart aches.
Then I read it again. The faith in action in this little blog post. The promise that lies just inside. If only I had that faith. And as a dear friend said, how can I pray for that kind of faith and not worry about it being tested. I can’t imagine the strength of the cheerleader. I can’t begin to comprehend her faith. I’d like to say that it’s something that will strive for.
Did you read it? If you didn’t you still need to. Click here. Then tell me please, did it get into your head and under your skin as much as it did mine? I really need to know.